How To Survive Your Family During The Holidays

Ahhhh, it’s that time of year again. You know, when the wind is crisper, cheeks are rosier, and grandmothers are drunker. With Diwali, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Christmas all falling within a hectic six week stretch, every excuse you’ve used year-round to avoid seeing the family will no longer be effective. Your dog ate your car? Nope! Your boss needs you to delete his browser history? Nope! You need to break up with your girlfriend after what you found on your boss’ browser history? Double Nope! Often, these parties can be just as enraging as they are enthralling, and you may not be used to being in such a volatile situation. Fear not! Whenever things start to feel a bit grim, whip out this ol’ handy guide to help you power through the tough times:

  1. Find common interests. With so many personalities and generations in one place, the key to a peaceful and fun evening is to celebrate anything you all have in common. Pinpoint a few things that you know everyone will enjoy, and the mood begins to get a bit heated, steer the conversation back to a focal interest point. Here are few things that are beloved by everyone in the world: Finding Nemo, hating on people with freckles, Anderson Cooper, hating the French, tax cuts, hating each other, and YouTube videos of cute toddlers doing the Gangnam Style dance in Justin Bieber’s lap.
  2. Bring an emergency baby.  Babies are a great reason to leave the room or go for a walk around the block. Bring a baby, but be sure to return it to where you found it when the weekend is over.
  3. Outdo everyone. One of the big reasons why tempers flare up in such events is that individuals with ridiculous thoughts feel the need to express them in a very public fashion. But the best way to combat this is to bring a little crazy of your own to the table to freak them out. If your grandparent starts spouting quasi-racist comments about a certain race, go on your own curse-laden, hate-filled, 45 minute rant that will leave poor Grandpa Joe stunned. Uhoh, some aunt of yours is getting a bit flirty after some wine? Start describing your last sexual conquest in graphic detail and grand gestures to really turn everyone off the whole concept altogether. Remember, they key to any good rant is that you are naked by the end of it.
  4. Drugs. A healthy, yet not overly large, dose of cocaine, heroine, shrooms or ecstacy will make any family debate about gay marriage feel like a Disney movie!
Cow Tips!
*In between a big argument, feel free to drop a major proclamation that will pacify everyone immediately. “GUYS, I’VE FINISHED THE LAST EPISODE OF FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS AND I APPLAUD COACH’S DECISION. HE DID GOOD” or “EVERYONE, AFTER MUCH THOUGHT, I HAVE DECIDED TO PUT MYSELF UP FOR ADOPTION. SIGN HERE, HERE, AND HERE.”
*Your cousin Jeremy will have the hook-up for the drugs. Every household as a cousin Jeremy who deals.
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