How To Properly Network

19% Skill. 13% Understanding. 20% dimples. 8% Pluck. 12% Luck. 4% extra P’s. 24% Kiefer Sutherland. This adds up to a failed recipe for success.  The proper recipe is 100% networking, 0% trans fats. Whether you are trying to improve your place in deep sea architecture, a real profession, or simply raise your status within your own family, get out there and schmooze. 

  1. Location is everything.  Human beings are psychologically influenced by everything our puny brains can perceive. This includes location. The more comfortable your target is during your net-sesh the more likely you are to make a lasting connection. To maximize their cognitive ease, always make you approach in comfortable locations such as your target’s bedroom or private bathroom.
  2. A strong shake is everything. Most ‘wannabe’ moguls know that Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard, and went on to found Microsoft and become worth over $40billion.  The part of the story that goes untold is that Bill Gates can shake a hand like you can shake a salt shaker; easily and all over your food.  If you bring a weak handshake to a networking opportunity, you might as well bring photographic evidence that you are a murderer because that’s the level of trust a wimpy shake inspires. Use guitar exercises or masturbation to promote hand strength.
  3. A well-tailored suit is everything.  When you think of a confident businessman wearing a suit, what do you see in your minds eye? Is he wearing college sweatpants and a hip t-shirt that subtly references Game of Thrones? No! He is wearing a suit (either that, or you need to work on following directions).  Get yourself a well fitted suit and ALREADY you will be lightyears ahead of your competition — unless they also own a suit. Cost should not be a problem. If you can’t afford an expensive Italian suit, you should be able to find a banana suit or a Hulk suit at your local Halloween store or party emporium.
  4. Remembering to give them your phone number is everything. Countless networking opportunities are squandered when the following scenario plays out:

“Hmm. Normally I don’t like to hand out jobs or billions of dollars willy-nilly, but that young gentleman – while dressed strangely – impressed me with his moxie, his inhumanly strong right hand, and his knowledge of the layout of my apartment building. His ideas on how to save money via only using one slice of bread per sandwich weren’t half bad either. I’ll just give him a call on my car phone….WAITTT I NEVER GOT HIS NUMBER OR HIS NAME. Well then, Reginald. You learned something today after all. Let this be a lesson to you, you old heartless bastard. I may never see that young dynamo again, but his memory will live on when I tell my maid about this and make her crochet a pillow to commemorate the day.”  – Rich Businessman, Reginald 

Always make sure to have plenty of copies of your business card and make sure the phone number is accurate!

Cow Tips!
*With the dawn of the internet era it is possible to make meaningful business connections via popular social networking websites. Viadeo, Linkedin, and are good places to start.
*The word is netWORK for a reason. Things aren’t going to be easy, and you are going to need a large rope-based net. Having a rope-based net is everything.

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