How To Tell Your Kids Santa Claus Isn’t Real

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their bed, and the parents were sick of pretending to be Santa Claus and need to figure out a way of telling their kids he isn’t real, hopefully without ruining THIS christmas. But honestly, it’s gotta happen at some point so maybe we just burn this one and get on with it.

Sorry kids. Santa isn't real, and neither is your college fund.

Sorry kids. Santa isn’t real, and neither is your college fund.

  1. Be direct.  Children hate lying as much as they love Santa Claus. Sit ’em down and say “Listen. Santa Claus isn’t real. Also your goldfish probably isn’t in heaven.”
  2. Leave no room for ambiguity.  Some children will respond with denial. They will suggest that maybe “Santa Claus” is real, and that he is simply the spirit of Christmas. Maybe Santa exists in all of us as some sort of drive to give. Altruism. If you let your child set this tone now, god help you when the time comes to talk about birth control.
  3. Soften the blow with material things.  Just because your kids now know that Santa isn’t real, doesn’t mean you can’t soothe their pain with iPods & tennis shoes. Not only will they stop crying, they will learn the best technique to fill the void of disappointment and spiritual ennui: things!
  4. Close the circle.  To ensure closure, have your children destroy a physical representation of Santa. If they own a Santa doll or figurine this will suffice. If not, have them draw a detailed portrait of Mr. Claus and then cover it in mayonnaise.
Cow Tips!
*If you don’t celebrate Christmas, you should probably tell your kids Santa Claus isn’t real anyway. That way they can spread this knowledge to their classmates. Other parents will be pleased.
* If your kids refuse to believe that Santa Claus isn’t real, just convince them he is a murderer. This will have the same basic effect.
2 Responses to “How To Tell Your Kids Santa Claus Isn’t Real”
  1. codymcdevitt says:

    We talked about this earlier in my family. One point we made was that the arrival of search engines like google have complicated this matter. Kids can google, “Is Santa Claus real?” Luckily, and this restores my faith in humanity, the top search result says he is.

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