How To Be Lonely

Like any art form, being lonely is not something that is easily mastered. You can’t learn it from a kit, or just from watching your older brother do it on Saturday mornings. Anybody can throw on an Adele song and cry while finger-painting, but to really BE (and not just feel) lonely you will have to get more creative than that.

This was actually a fun day at the beach, but now that I instagrammed it i feel so so so alone.

  1. Throw on an Adele song and cry while finger-painting. Hey. Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s not good. Basketball players still gotta make layups. Work on the fundamentals of loneliness before you try any advanced moves, ok? It takes a special someone to pull off running 40 blocks home just because you gave her an amazing gift and she said “I don’t want this to be a ‘thing.'”
  2. Always run home after minor setbacks. If it’s windy and cold your eyes will naturally begin to tear. Your body will physiologically recognize this as a sadness response, which will start a feedback loop that should have you genuinely weeping by the time you get home. Have a friend pick up your car the next morning.
  3. Put in your 10,000 hours. DO THE WORK. It’s that simple. Have you ever heard of Malcolm Gladwell? It takes him 10,000 hours to write each one of his essays. Why do you think they are so popular? Take Mr Gladwell’s cue and try to be lonely for at least 5 hours a day. If this means quitting your job, even better.
  4. Go see a romantic comedy at 11:00 AM on a Tuesday by yourself. That should do it. You get it now. You are truly alone.
Cow Tips!
* The quickest way to achieve your 10,000 hours of expertise is to have your parents leave you in the woods as a baby. The first 10,000 hours of your life will be all the loneliness you ever need.
* Unfortunately, in the above scenario you will get a WHOLE lot more practice at loneliness after the first 10,000 because you won’t speak english or understand human society. But hey, at least you’ll be the best at something.
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