How To Have A Successful First Date

Every now and then we are honored to have some of our generation’s pre-eminent writers contribute to our little community. Today, we bring you dating advice from Ms. JP, famed date-doctor and love connoisseur, who was the inspiration behind Will Smith’s character in Hitch (also, Hancock). Follow her on Twitter @jp730.

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In today’s fast-paced, ever-changing, stress-laden world, it’s hard enough to get through a 9-5 job, or a full courseload, or eat three meals a day that consist of more than Cheetos and a stale beer from last night. Dating doesn’t have to add your daily stress. That’s why I’m here, with a few handy tips on how to nail your date. Literally.

ooo I love a guy who can read.

  1. When you’re getting dressed, you want to follow what we like to call the “more is more” rule. Subtlety belongs in the 1950’s, along with traditional good manners and propriety. Don’t spray on your perfume or cologne; unscrew the cap and pour the contents over your body. For women – wear every piece of jewelry you own. And men, ladies don’t want you to button up your shirt and be free of wrinkles; take a cue from James Franco and be the physical embodiment of “homeless chic.” Rock those wrinkles and mysterious stains! This is what we, in the business, call “peacocking.” 
  2. Once you’ve been seated, don’t apologize for being late. Make no reference to anything being amiss. In fact, take your time applying Chapstick, hailing down a server and asking for water. Only after you have checked in on FourSquare and tweeted your arrival should you address your date. A blank stare or “what’s your name again” is the best greeting. You’re showing your interest without revealing that you’ve already invested time and energy in researching who they are beforehand. Take a cue, Nancy Drew: let them think they still have to charm and engage your interest. 
  3. Play hard to get by refusing to show actual interest in your date. There are a variety of options to execute this move successfully. Lean on your elbow sideways and look behind your date at all times. Pretend like you’re listening to them, and when they ask you a question, hold up a finger and say “Wait, hang on, that guy just started talking about his ex-wife again.” Ask your server where the nearest exits to the building are, as well as the most convenient access to taxis. Make sure they don’t get any eye contact from you; at all. Remember: your main job is to leave your date completely confused as to why you agreed to go out with them in the first place. Bonus points if they call you rude and storm out.
  4. At several points during the date, flag down a server to make changes to your order. This will show that you are a man or woman of not only good, but also exacting taste. Show off your desirability by showing that you are exclusive, have strong opinions, and do not under any circumstances engage in any malarkey with a misplaced sprig of parsley.
  5. When the bill arrives for your meal, pick up the check, scan the bill, and then hand it over to your date. Make sure to comment on the price of your entree, as well as suggesting that your date leave a 40% tip, “like they do in the big Apple, where I’m from.” (Note: It is not important or relevant whether or not you’re actually from the city you reference; the goal here is to show off your worldliness and culture.)
  6.  At the end of the night, if your date has seen the dinner through, their energy will be focused on giving you a goodnight kiss and booking it out of there. You don’t want to leave them without something memorable, so make sure that when they don’t lean in for the kiss, you grab their head, plant a wet kiss on their forehead, and tell them that you’ve blessed them and to “go forth boldly where many have been before.”
  7. After parting ways, immediately go on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/MySpace/Craigslist and post an update about your new boyfriend/girlfriend and the amazing “first time” you just had with them. Don’t forget to send them a relationship request, as well as friendship requests to their mother, father, siblings, old babysitter, and exes. You want them to understand that you are willing to accept all the people in their life as your own. No questions asked.
Cow Tips!
* If you receive a reply from them in the form of a restraining order or arrest warrant, don’t panic. Your date has gotten wise to the “game,” and is also playing hard to get. Subtlely turn up the heat by erecting a tent and camping out in front of their home until they come outside to say hello.
* If your date doesn’t reject your requests or turn down your offer to live together, immediately change your last name and move to a new city. Clearly, you’re dealing with a stalker.
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