How to “Catfish” Someone

We’ve already covered how to avoid being duped by the irresistible allure of a catfish. But like with cassette tapes, and coins, there are two sides to every story. There are innumerable reasons that you might want to trick someone into falling in love with a character you made up. Here is a list of some of the most reasonable: you don’t like humans, humans don’t like you, or you are A.A. Milne, beloved creator of Winnie the Pooh.  Whatever your reasons, it isn’t easy to fool someone for long. Humans are (annoyingly) smart and (selfishly) frustrated when they find out the online love of their life is not real. For your benefit and the benefit of your fisherman (catfisherman?) your persona must be air tight and last until one of you dies. Follow these tips when setting up your fake profile and you can have a happy relationship where you never meet or talk to someone or tell them anything about yourself.

She says her name is "Oprah" and she has a "television network."

She says her name is “Oprah” and she has a “television network.” We are in love.

  1. Stay vague.  When trying to dupe your online prey, details are your enemy. The only way you can get caught in a lie is by telling one. If at all possible avoid sharing your profession, home city or hobbies. Ideally your onlinelover will not know your name or gender.
  2. Choose an uglyish stranger for your picture. You want to be attractive enough to make initial contact, but not so attractive that meeting in real life is a priority. The perfect profile picture will appear attractive at first glance but increasingly unsettling with each successive look.  Someone with a subtle 3rd ear would be a perfect choice.
  3. Don’t fake your own (fake) death and then unfake your own (fake) death.  Not only is it rude, it’s likely to get you caught. Obviously faking the death of your online alter ego is fine. In fact it’s the appropriate way to end all online relationships.  BUT never follow a fake death with an unfaking of said death. Once you fake your death behave the same way you would if a real life boyfriend/girlfriend gained 12 pounds; never talk to them again.
  4. Catfish a catfish. One of the best ways to keep your online fakelationship going is to catfish another catfish. Neither one of you will want to meet up and also, you have a heck of a lot in common(you both catfish in your free time)!
Cow Tips!
*If you want to be ABSOLUTELY certain that you are not exposed as a fraud, use your own pictures for any fake online profiles. Also use the exact details of your real life for your fake profile.
*If your lover gets suspicious reassure them by saying “I’m real baby! I’m real! Could someone who wasn’t real do this??” and then sending them this link.
One Response to “How to “Catfish” Someone”
  1. kerry says:

    LOL. Really.

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