How To Survive Without Power

According to the National Bureau of Statistics over 17 people lost power this past week as a result of Hurricane Sandy. If you are one of those 17 or more people you are probably experiencing a feeling of ‘ennui’. Adrift in this life without any of your electronic comforts, with nary a way to look … Continue reading

How To Register To Vote

Due to us all being upstanding citizens living in the World’s Greatest Democracy, we are afforded certain rights that others around the world unfortunately do not have. These include: freedom of speech, freedom to wear skinny jeans, freedom to watch five episodes of Honey Boo Boo back-to-back, and most importantly, freedom to vote. We take … Continue reading

How To Quickly Hogtie a Hog Before It Steals Your Social Security Number

Did you really google this? Like, actually? What have you been doing? Why do you carry your social security card with you? Are you in some sort of a blood feud with a hog? What the hell is going on here? 1. Re-evaluate everything that has happened up to this point. Somehow, be it nature … Continue reading

How To Defeat Usain Bolt in the 100M

On Sunday, August 5th, 80,000 British people witnessed Usain Bolt become an Olympic legend. 5 hours later, following a tape delay and a three hour puff piece in which Bob Costas simply watched Michael Phelps masturbate, US audiences were treated to Usain Bolt’s breathtaking display of athleticism.  Upon watching Usain cross the finish line for a … Continue reading

How To Build A Table

Use a fucking hammer.

How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

The Fourth of July is THE most AMERICAN Holiday on the fucking planet (aggressively masturbating finishes a close second, with the Royal Wedding coming in at a distant third). If you don’t properly celebrate the Fourth of fucking July, you can LITERALLY be deported for that shit. You can be put on a big damn boat … Continue reading

How To Plan The Perfect Summer Getaway

With the temperatures toasty and the days longer, is there any doubt that summertime is the best season of the year? It reminds us all of the good ol’ days as kids, when we would have three months to frolic around carefree, hang out with our friends, and spend afternoons smooching Suzy Sanders underneath the … Continue reading

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